I remember hearing my mom say when she spoke at a conference, “as long as I’m breathing, there is still hope”. But one year ago, I lost that hope. I questioned how genuine she was when she said that.
How could she be hopeful when I was so hopeless?
How could I put her through so much yet she still forgives me?
Every addict and alcoholic can relate to that feeling along with the guilt and shame associated with it.
When you call your mom from the depths of Detroit, voice shaking, gun to your head, fear overflowing, and she says “I love you but I can’t save you”. You would think that would be a reality check…she didn’t know if what I said was true or if I was alive-yet I had the nerve to blame and be angry at her?
How selfish and shitty am I to not think about how hard that was for her?
I won’t be this recovery guru and I’m not here to bullshit you. I won’t live my life telling the world how great it is being sober and lie about never having a bad day. Life is fucking hard and this disease is nothing to sugarcoat or joke about.
A 1/4 of my generation is dead or institutionalized from addiction. After multiple years sober and relapsing, I am not going to blow sunshine up your ass.
Some days, I can‘t get out of bed because of grief and depression hits me like a ton of bricks- BUT, it gets BETTER if you HOLD ON.
For the ones that shamed me after my relapse, I will pray for you. I pray that no other person out there struggling will ever feel alone. For everyone else, my friends, fellowship and family, the ones who loved me at my lowest, THANK YOU for never giving up on me when I had no hope. When I had no strength in me, you all carried me. When I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken, you helped me mend the pieces back together.
Without that support, I wouldn’t have made it out alive to write this.
For my mom-You are my best friend. I cant imagine how hard the last 10 years has been for you; to have to accept the fact that I am sick, when everything inside of you tells you to take care of me…for you to watch your own daughter and best friend deteriorate before your eyes and not able to save her…for you to wake up to a call from the Sheriff saying I have overdosed on the next street over and your heart sinks, wondering if I am ok…for you to have to always worry if this is the call you have been dreading every time the phone rings, I can never fully repay you. I can’t give you back the sleepless nights and years of constant worry.
I can promise you, I will never give up though. I won’t let this disease rob us of yet another soul.
For everyone that has fallen victim to this disease-I know the hopelessness and fear you feel every day. I know what its like to look in the mirror with tears streaming down your face, as you stick a needle in your arm, because you know you dont want to keep living that way but you can’t stop. I know how much you love and miss your family. I know your prayers. I know that feeling of wanting to be at peace but not knowing how to obtain it. I promise the pain DOES subside. People are going to hurt you, they will let you down, life is going to show up and we are going to lose people we love. You are going to cry and feel things that you have buried and ran from for so long.
You are going to want to take away the pain in the only way you know how…But DON’T RUN. Don’t hide anymore. Stop that cycle of living in a constant state of fear and start to grow in faith.
We are blessed beyond belief and we take it for granted. We have an opportunity to recreate our lives-we can stop being paralyzed and live for the ones who have died.
We know fear, anger and resentment all too well. But instead of letting that consume you, put your energy into coming together and fighting this battle others weren’t so lucky enough to fight.
Its time to stop existing and start living a life filled with hope, faith and courage.
Always,
Brittany
Brittany wrote this while she was in her 21st treatment center. I am so very proud of her raw truth and honesty, while fighting her own trauma. I love you babygirl, Mom
You can reach Katie at katie@amothersaddictionjourney.com
Thank you for sharing and for both of you being so “REAL”.
Thank you, Brittany, for writing and sharing your feelings, thoughts, encouragement, education, and your story. My daughter is 22. She has been sober for 5 months now. She, too, has been in and out of rehab facilities the last 4 years, although she has used various drugs for the last 9 years. I will share w her what you have shared. To start to “live for the ones who have died” is such a lovely way to think about continuing to attempt life without heroin, my daughter’s choice the last 4 years. Best of life to you, Brittany, from a grateful mom.
Thank you, Katie, for helping me know it IS right to repeatedly forgive and support my daughter when/if it is needed.You both are inspirations.
My daughter is still out there using but I refuse to give up hope! Thanks for sharing this!
Thank you for your raw openness, for sharing the depths of your heart and soul. Thank you for being brave enough to open yourself to criticism in order to give others hope.
Thanks for all your “real” stories you share and your words of strength and hope.
Have you ever considered Vivitrol injections to help with the urge. I think like Narcan, Vivtrol should be given to anyone that needs it, why make people suffer that endless battle, constant fight to stay sober, there is help.
thank you, keep up the fight, especially for her, she is a beautiful girl, and is so lucky to have a Mom like you.
Thank you Brittany for your honesty! As the parent of a recovering addict, the pride and joy that we have again now that our son is living a clean sober life is most rewarding gift we could ever receive, that also helps makes the pain and bad memories fade away. Like you our son struggles on days and we continue to pray that each day those struggles will become easier to deal with.
Blessings & prayers to you-
Denise
I am saving this for my son to read, it is so honest and difficult and hopeful!
keep trying.
You will always have support! You can do it!!!!!!
Hi Katie , congratulations on your sobriety and sanity, I am a mom of a 26 year old daughter with alcohol and opioids addictions. She had just started suboxone for withdrawals and was once again discharged from hospital. We have had to tell her she is not welcome back in our home due to her escalating alcohol/drug use, erratic behaviour, and escalating violence towards her father and myself. Most painful thing I have had to do was to shut our door. Please say a prayer for her , Delaney from Calgary, that she may find her way to a sober/clean life.