As I was getting ready this morning for a doctor’s apppointment, I’m, as usual, running late, the dogs won’t go outside to pee as its raining, which is crazy, so I have to practically shove them out, I then run up the steps, trip on them going UP (who does that?!) and spill my coffee all over myself, the floor, the walls, I mean its a BIG BROWN DRIPPY MESS.
I then sat there and burst into tears.
But it wasn’t about the coffee, running late, or the rain…its that build up we all feel at one time or another. The feeling of just being completely overwhelmed, so much on our minds, anxiety, stress, being pulled in so many different directions, things out of our control.
My heart has been very heavy the last few months as my daughter has really been struggling. A few nights ago she overdosed again, revived by narcan. The next morning was my youngest daughter’s homecoming. How do you feel so happy and excited for one child, yet dying inside for another? But as moms, we KEEP GOING, right?
We HAVE to.
Or else we will lose our sh*t.
This is the thought that runs through my mind some days…OMG, my life is seriously a sh*t show!
But then I realize, its JUST a moment. Its LIFE. All of us experience sh*t shows on different levels. In all reality, while we can’t change certain things that happen, we CAN change how we react and adapt.
So I got up from the floor. Wiped my tears, cleaned up the coffee and let the wet dogs back in the house. I made a vow to get back to writing as its so healing for me. So here we are, back at it, our days MUST go on. Take the spilled coffee crying moment, embrace it, witness it, but DON’T stay there. GET UP Mama, and KEEP GOING.
Big Hugs,
Katie
katie@amothersaddictionjourney.com
I feel your pain. I am sorry to hear that Brittney OD recently, but so happy to hear she was revived. My heart goes out to you. You are an amazing woman! You are an inspiration to me and so many other mothers struggling with addicted children. I am praying for you Brittney and for you. Tell her Shannon’s mom says hi!
Katie – You keep going – girl. I am so sorry to hear your daughter is struggling which means you are too. Glad to see you are back writing. It is hard sometimes the words don’t flow. Having one of those days. Maree
Well I got to hug you at that Homecoming girl but I didn’t know you went through all that. I should have hugged a little tighter! You are a strong strong woman and clearly here doing God’s work!!! Keep being amazing!!! So proud of you!!
Just had one of these last week, said I have the drama family. I don’t want to be the drama family! But my options are limited, so I cry, rant, rave……then breathe and find my joy and blessings where I can! Thanks for being willing to share your sh@t show!
Amen, Katie! Thank you for sharing your day, as is same here on many days. Yes, we MUST get up, get out and get going for each kid in whatever way they need us and for the husbands. Tough club to be in sometimes.
As I sat here reading this, I was nodding my head up and down. I’m so sorry your daughter overdosed again yet was able to be revived with the Narcan. I have three of those, one in my purse,one in my car and one in the kitchen cabinet……. praying I don’t have to use them.
Our son has been clean from hard drugs since March. I’m terrified that if he relapses he will OD.
My husband and I started going to PAL meetings a year ago, those meetings are a wealth of information that we have put into place.
If anyone reading this wants to learn more about PAL (Parents of Addicted Loved Ones) look for their website for a chapter near you.
All my blessings and prayers for you all,
Kim
I’m so Katie to learn of Brittany’s relapse. I feel your pain having been there done that. It’s so incredible to me, even after all these years, that as parents when our child comes into the world our role is to protect him or her, to wrap our arms around them and keep them safe. I feel your pain having been there done that. It’s so incredible to me, even after all these years, that as parents when our child comes into the world our role is to protect him or her, to wrap our arms around them and keep them safe. When our children become addicted, we are no longer able to keep them safe from harms way and our natural instinct doesn’t apply anymore even though we, as parents, and particularly as mothers, feel that it should apply. It is just so incredibly hard and painful to see our children or anyone we love suffer From this disease and all diseases. Thank you for sharing your story and know that everyone is rooting for you and Brittany and all the addicts and alcoholics in our world. Sending prayers to the universe for you. Thank you for continuing to share thank you your story and know that everyone is rooting for you and Brittany. Sending prayers to the universe for you.
Dina Gardner
I’ve been following your story for a while now. I’m sorry to hear that she is using again. Prayers to both of you for peace.
I don’t even know what to say.. You are living my greatest fear. My heart goes out to you and to your daughter. You are both in my prayers and I wish I could do something to help. I am a mom too and I understand your terror and grief and pain. Sending love and prayers to you Katie.
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, the struggle is so very real. My son lost his battle 4 months ago, I pray for her and all of the individuals fighting this battle??
I have one daughter who just had to be revived with 8 doses of narcan, and another daughter having her first baby in 10 weeks….I feel you! Heartbroken and joyful all in one. Such is motherhood. Breakdown for a moment and pick yourself up and soldier on!
Thanks for sharing your life with us. I don’t know how I ever got connected with this blog, but it’s weirdly encouraging to know others are dealing with similarly difficult issues. Al-anon meetings are helping. Maybe I’ll see if there’s a PAL meeting around here. I pray that God will enter into our lives, and the lives of our children, in a transformative way.
“Loving an addict is far more painful than being one”, as someone states. This is my first time writing a comment although I’ve been following you for 2+ yrs. I’m a silent follower and a silent sufferer. My daughter had ODd, relapsed, 2 accidents that left her handicapped. Love helped all of us survive in all these trials in life and made us all stronger. You’re in my thoughts, hopeful for positivity.
Prayers to you and your daughter!
I so needed this today Katie as my life seems to go from great to shit show daily. I have 10 years clean from heroin, was in more treatment centers than I can even count. I think the number is somewhere around 20.. i remember the day my dad dropped me off at my last rehab( which was what was to be the changing point in my life) with tears running down his face he looked at me and said “you know sis, we’ve been planning your
funeral for the past few years…what we would say, how we would explain this to your two babies, he said he had every little detail down to what I would wear planned, as those who loved me said their last goodbyes. This was one of the
only times I had ever saw my dad cry.. No parent should ever have to go thru this..it’s just not the order of things..however, sadly this disease has taken so many lives and it just keeps taking. I used to wonder why I was spared when so many others weren’t. I actually felt guilty for being alive some days. I questioned everything, including god. It’s taken a lot of work in these past ten years to be able to forgive myself for all of the pain i instilled upon my family and all those who loved me.
My point in all of this is that I’m living, breathing proof that no matter how far gone we seem to be that there’s still hope. Never stop trying to help. Today my daddy calls me, even after all these years, just to say he’s proud of me and that he loves Me. That’s something i wanted to hear for
so many years and it means more to me than anything else in this world.
Namaste~
Katie as soon as I got to the line , a few nights ago she Overdosed, I had to put my phone down and stop reading. Instant heart drop and a nervous feeling come over me. I say out loud NOOOOO Brittany! Please let this not be true.
You see Brittany my hope (a woman who has never met you or your mother and lives all the way across the country from you) had put faith in you, that if you could do it , work a program, stay clean be back in your families live as a sound , strong young women, well then maybe just maybe so could my daughter. A young women like yourself , beautiful, sweet , kind , educated and a drug addict. An addict who like you comes from a loving involved suburban family. A young women who on the outside would seem like the least likely girl to become an addict. But she is , one who I her mom has been holding her up , holding her hand and holding it all together for her , for my family, for the world or at least it feels like that, for the past five and a half years. Five and a half years of completely knowing and add on a few more years of suspecting her addiction.
Now I’m in no way trying to make you feel worst then you already do. I’m just reaching out to you to say Brittany you, young lady are WORTH so much more to many more people then you even know. I just want you to not just read this , but know this is true , I want you to FEEL it is true. Because if you can feel maybe for the first time in a long time that you are valuable and worthy and NEEDED In this world , then maybe you can fight you life off to get the the life you deserve.
And if you can do that , then maybe just maybe so will my precious girl.
My prayers are for you , my girl and all those who are fighting this war of addiction to know you are loved and that there are so many people who still have faith in you all and hope that one day you will be whole again.
I just started crying again. I lost my beautiful 45 yr old daughter 3 months ago, after a 6 year battle w/ opioids. I feel so confused & sad & overwhelmed by everything. This is my first comment on here, though I, too, have been following you for at least a few years. I prayed endlessly, wished on every bright star in the sky to regain the daughter I had before all this began. It broke my heart to watch her lose everything she had worked for, and ultimately, her LIFE. Like so many others, I never expected this in our lives- she was pretty, bright, hard-working, successful, sociable, loving, and had so much to give. It started with pain issues and anxiety; the doctors readily handed out the scrips like candy. That continued for years, along with getting hold of more & more off the grid. She began associating w/ people she never would have been near in the past. There were accidents which caused further pain issues & some disability, loss of job, government aid, bankruptcy, loss of her home and car, pawned possessions, severely damaged her relationship w/ her young teen daughter, as well as many friends and me.She began lying and stealing, even spent several days in jail, police, ambulances, counselors, CPS, hospitals, rehab, etc. It was a long nightmare. Her loved ones were filled with anger, resentment, frustration, helpless feelings. I feel battered and broken after all we went through, and can’t seem to get my life back in order. No ambition, no goals, no future plans. I could write a book about what drugs did to our family, as I’m sure many others could. I pray your daughter & all the others will be able to permanently overcome addiction before it is too late.
You give us all strength and hope. What an incredible women you are. I think I would have pulled the covers over my head and stayed there. Thank you that you continue to reach out to others even in your most painful moments so that we will not feel so alone.
Katie, again you leave me in awe. I am sorry to hear the relapse. I follow your story because YOU are honestly making a difference in this world. You are doing everything that you can to make this place a little brighter, and
you do! This might not be a “fun” normal, but you seem to make everyone feel like they are not alone. God Bless!
!
I just recently went through a very similar situation. My youngest son is 25, in the ministry (working with college students) and just got married. The wedding ceremony was so God centered and beautiful and such a proud moment. Then, we come back home and the next day my oldest son OD’s, he too was brought back with Narcan. It is such a roller coaster. One moment such joy and the next such sadness. My son was also clean for 7 years and then relapsed, and has been fighting it for the last 7 years. I just pray for Britney, my son Jason, and all the other drug addicted people out there and especially their families. You are right, that I can’t sit in my pain; I have to move on and try to find the Joy in each day.
Blessings to all.
One day at a time? sending hugs and prayers !!