My 19-year-old son isn’t social distancing. He isn’t washing his hands as much as he should. He leaves all day and comes home in the middle of the night. I have other young adult children living in my home following all the rules.
“You are his parents; why don’t you just make him stay in? Why don’t you just kick him out?”
For you parents reading this who have a child with mental illness and/or chemical dependency, you understand my anguish. Especially those of you who have a child with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) — you understand that there are no simple answers, no simple solutions.
Our requests mean nothing. Our logic and reasoning mean less. My child does not fear the virus. COVID-19 is a weak opponent. My sister, who son’s is in active drug addition, said, “This pandemic is nothing compared to his last relapse.”
As if life can’t throw enough punches, a week before the pandemic hit, my son and his girlfriend, with whom he has a 4-months-old baby, broke up. No big surprise. But all of our emotional strength is being depleted trying to endure the pandemic. Now imagine having to start the “You need to be a responsible father” conversation at the same time.
Please send oxygen masks.
Every day, I think about telling my son to not come home, to find another place to live. Do I let him hit “rock bottom” during the worst pandemic in the modern history? Or do I say,
“He is sick and now, more than ever before, he needs to know he has a safe place to go.”
When I hear that door opening in the middle of the night and I know he is home safe, I retrace his steps with my disinfectant bottle… then my body rests.
And what about my other children? They are upset and anxious enough. Missing college life, work, friends, and even graduation. Do I want to spark a traumatic, loud, and emotional family upheaval by asking him to leave?
Do I continue to pay his cell phone bill in case he gets sick and needs help? I wonder what happens if he gets sick. Will he wear a mask? Will he stay isolated? Will his nicotine- and pot-filled lungs be able to fight the virus?
Yes, he is still working — at a fast food restaurant. So there he is exposed, too. He would never not go. His job saves him. First off, he needs it. He is making car payments to us. His car is his refuge. He spends hours a day just sitting in it, trying to escape reality. As long as he is making his payments on time, we let him keep it. Secondly, work is his social circle. His friends there accept him. I am guessing some are like him, though I have never met one. “Birds of a feather…” you know the rest.
I don’t have answers. But I needed to speak out — directly to those of you with a child who needs to keep going to an AA meeting. To those who need the school social worker to help you all get through another day. To those of you who cannot stop their child from leaving to get a fix and returning to your home with the remnants of everyone they encountered. To those of you who are facing the same fears… you are not alone.
I am here and I am terrified.
To the doctors, nurses, and first responders fighting the virus, I want to express my heartfelt “Thank you.”
To the same who are taking care of the mentally ill during this time, another heartfelt “Thank you.”
Maybe you, too, are one of the parents to whom I am speaking and you have double duty. We are on the front line battling as well. We live in the world of constant unknowns. The pandemic will end eventually, but we must return to our post for a lifetime.
When he left this morning, my son said to me, “I took my medicine” before walking out the door. So there is always hope.
Note from Katie: This moving piece was written by a guest author who would like to remain anonymous. Please show her some love and comment below.
Sending strength and hope to all,
Katie Donovan
katie@amothersaddictionjourney.com
Her words resonated with me to my bones. When the situation is out of my control … I place it in God’s hands and pray hard. I feel for her and the daily … non stop struggles she is facing. And I also believe her son is blessed to have a mother who loves him so very much, despite the toll it takes on her family’s overall life. They truly are a part of our hearts outside our bodies walking around. ❤️❤️
Beautifully said Angela
Yep took their meds and getting exercise so there is always HOPE. I can’t begin to tell you how your words were EXACTLY told our story.. Well except the baby… Your words give me the strength to stick to my program of co-depenency and to support our child but NOT ENABLE!!…. Thank you, thank you, thank you…. to the amazing person who posted….
Thank you for praying for us. I do love him very much. Yesterday he said, “I want to give you a hug, bit I know you won’t let me “. … Right now everything is ok. Thank you for caring.
This is my life too! I know what you are going through. But I had to set some tough boundaries for my daughter. I just put my daughter on an airplane two days ago and sent her to her fourth rehab. I am taking care of her 6 year old son. She suffers from depression and anxiety and is addicted to meth. She would go off to all these strange places with God only knows who and we wouldn’t see her for days and then she thought it was OK to stop by to see her son. I had to tell her no it is not OK. We do not know where you have been and what you are bringing around. We do not want to get sick and we do not want you to get sicker. She eventually agreed to get help again! I can only pray this is the time! I think we can always love them, but I had to love her from afar and I told her I would always be here when she was ready for help. She finally decided she wanted help! I needed to protect the other people in my family because I love them too. She was making her choices and I couldn’t let her take our choices away from us.She is my only daughter of three kids and I love her very, very much but I had to set boundaries to keep everyone safe.
Thank you for your thoughts. Today, all is ok. I am grateful the baby’s mother is very loving and caring and has a lot of family support. You are an angel on earth for caring for your grandson. He is blessed to have you. I will remember you all in my prayers.
I know so many of us feel this same pain. My son is currently in rehab and I’m so grateful but to him it feels like a prison sentence. They are locked in their rooms for 20 hours a day so as not to infect the staff. For those who suffer from mental illness and drug addiction this isolation Is tremendously challenging. Our children tend to run and use when they are feeling any kind of pain and to have to experience this sober is very challenging. I am trying to work my program so I don’t live in fear. Fear that he will leave, fear that he will relapse. He has already relapsed mentally so I have a lot of concern but I am praying that he can find his way. I know he has the it’s tremendously challenging. Our children tend to run and use when they are feeling any kind of pain and to have to experience this sober is very challenging. I am trying to work my program so I don’t live in fear. Fear that he will leave, fear that he will relapse. He has already relapsed mentally so I have a lot of concern but I am praying that he can find his way. I know he has the tools To do so and so I pray he will apply them. Sending good vibes to all of you in prayers for the safety of everyone in your family. Thank you for this beautiful email today.
I will pray for you and your son. I am learning to guide and not force. As you, I pray my son will use his tool. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Us moms are in this together.
Thank you. Just thank you.