They have to hit Rock Bottom-Wait…What???

 

One of the most absurd things I have ever heard is “They have to hit their rock bottom, before they will want help”.  Or, “they have to be ready”, “They chose drugs over family”….What whatttttttt?!

Here are my thoughts….THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

So let me get this straight, when my daughter is down in the worst part of Detroit,  in crazy, dangerous situations, with the disease gripping every part of her soul, with people around her with weapons, sexually assaulting women, I’M SUPPOSED TO DO NOTHING?!

YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND.

This is life or death.  With the crap that’s being put in drugs right now, there isn’t a “rock bottom”.  That is death.  And by God, as a mother, I am not sitting around waiting for her to “wake up one day and be ready for help”.

I believe in intervening.  I believe in advocating for our loved ones when they cannot advocate for themselves.  When their brains are hijacked by the disease and are so lost, we MUST do whatever we can to help them get out of the grips of addiction.

This doesn’t mean that I will give her money and enable her disease.  No, it means I will love with boundaries.  Boundaries that I am comfortable with.  Those boundaries can be different for every single family.  YOU do what’s comfortable for YOU.

I believe in sending messages every day. I believe in calling my daughter every day and telling her I love her, that I believe in her, that I know she’s still there, inside.

This disease has brought me to my knees, praying and begging to God to give her pain to me.  As a mother, to see your child in such emotional turmoil, it can practically kill us.

I can’t stand the term “tough love”.  There are many versions of this, but many see this term as completely shutting them out of your life.  Personally, I don’t agree with this. You can still be a part emotionally, while removing yourself from the chaos.  We have to take a look at ourselves as well and stop blaming. 

But man, that is hard to do.

“I paid for the court fees and now I have no money for rent”.  “I can’t buy clothes for myself because I paid for her traffic tickets”.  We can get into the cycle of blaming them for making our own lives unmanageable.  When in all reality, we CHOSE to do those things and with that, we must also accept that our own actions have caused us to live in chaos.

Our own behavior and happiness is our own responsibility.  Its hard to look at ourselves BUT WE MUST.

Please don’t stop loving, fighting for their lives, educating yourself on addiction.  Our loved ones are sick with a disease.  Hug them, love them…you just never know when they will accept the help to save their life.

Katie, A Mother’s Addiction Journey

katie@amothersaddictionjourney.com

 

 

 

2017-11-22T09:50:05+00:00

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17 Comments

  1. Joseph Mauro November 22, 2017 at 10:06 am - Reply

    Katie,
    Thank you for sharing this viewpoint. It reaffirms many of the decisions that I’ve made to aid and support my daughter in times of desperation. This help remove some of the doubts I’ve held when I’ve gone against what others have advised me to do including leaving her in jail and to her own demise.

  2. Karen November 22, 2017 at 10:35 am - Reply

    I have always agreed totally with not letting them hit a horrific rock bottom. There is not one mould the ADDICTED person fits into. Yes boundaries are essential. Communication is crucial. Abandonment is not an option. Love them where they are at and always work with God and let and trust the cues from God when he wants you to take action or get out of His way. They MATTER.

  3. Pam Ozanich November 22, 2017 at 10:50 am - Reply

    I agree completely!!! When they try to get help and go into a rehab then leave 2 or 3 days later, it is because they can’t fight the drug. They want the help, but can’t overcome their addiction long enough to stay in the program. It is very discouraging, but I don’t want my son to give up — I want him to keep fighting it. I know I have enabled in the past, and I am trying not to do that now and keep my boundaries. I do rely on God for my strength and guidance and that he will take care of my son. He no longer lives with us because he has his own family, but I just can’t give up on him. I do think letting him know I have his back helps give him some strength, and knows not everyone has given up on him.

  4. Nina November 22, 2017 at 11:35 am - Reply

    I loved your post. I have been living with love and boundaries and it works. Our love for her is freeing her from this disease. Jesus adores my daughter.

  5. Regan Davidson November 22, 2017 at 11:48 am - Reply

    Thank you as always for sharing both your and your daughter’s story. The struggle of a mother or father is so painful. My son is currently clean, but his life is a disaster. He has ptsd from the constant deaths around him. With each new death of a friend he blames himself, even if he hasn’t seen them in months or years. He has agreed that he needs mental health help and has made his 1st appointment. My prayer is for his happiness.

  6. Kim Colavecchia November 22, 2017 at 12:11 pm - Reply

    Well said, I completely agree! 8 years and still holding on for a miracle to last more than 6 months here and there. Xo

  7. Liz November 22, 2017 at 12:33 pm - Reply

    Thank you! I get SO mad when people tell me “she’s not ready!” Some folks can close their doors & disconnect – I cannot. That’s not to say I’m funding relapses, because I’m absolutely not). I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy!

  8. Kathie November 22, 2017 at 5:03 pm - Reply

    the key word there is choice – addicts are incapable of making choices while they are in active addiction, they are driven by their needs. people on the outside of this epidemic don’t (can’t?) understand that. the only choice is the first one. I too wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy = (

  9. Cathy November 22, 2017 at 7:21 pm - Reply

    As always, love receiving notifications of your new posts. Today’s topic is so fitting for our family. I remember hearing all the time that when our son hit rock bottom, we would know and he would get the help he needed. We kept waiting and waiting. Well, the week we had finally decided to have an intervention, I saw him just after he got out of the shower, with a towel wrapped around him. He looked like a skeleton and I knew he was dying. I knew if we didn’t step in and intervene, he would die. He’s been clean 1.5 years and has told us he wanted to kill himself so many times by taking just a few more pills. He couldn’t save himself as his addiction wouldn’t let him. It’s been a lot of therapy, AA and trust in our higher power – day by day, right? Thank You

  10. Morgan November 22, 2017 at 8:08 pm - Reply

    What do you suggest doing when your loved one absolutely refuses help? You know they are using but will not go to treatment and every day it’s the same story – tomorrow I’m gonna start meetings get on suboxone etc. I’m told all the time that he has to be ready but it seems like he never will be and i don’t know what to do

  11. Gail Simmons November 22, 2017 at 11:30 pm - Reply

    i fought my sons battle with him for 16 years. He lost the battle October 2012. He was found dead on the bathroom floor from a heroin overdose. Addiction is a DISEASE. Don’t ever ask me to of walked away. I will never ever be sorry. I loved him Unconditionally. i am the Founder of Joint Actions.. Believing there is a NEED for Naloxone in every school. Giving someone a second chance at life is my belief system…. .

  12. Sharon November 23, 2017 at 7:20 am - Reply

    My son has been fighting this for 22 years. He has quit by himself. (No rehab) and he has been to rehab for help. I also love him and do so much. I try not no enable him. But where’s the line between helping and enabling? This breaks my heart. It has caused so many problems with my husband. Which he is not my adult kids dad. My sons real dad hasn’t seen him for 28 years. Do he has no dad. I’m raising one of his 4 kids. Which at first caused major problems with my husband also. I told him I’m not doing this for my son but to give my grandson a chance and stability. I yell at God then I apologise for yelling. I pray sometimes Lord please he he can’t quit then jyst let him die so he and us don’t have to keep going thru all this pain. Then I cry. And cry and then I don’t want him dead I just want my son back. I just don’t no what to do. Thank you and God bless.

  13. Lynn November 23, 2017 at 8:39 am - Reply

    Agree! Addiction is a brain chemistry/ disease people are born with- hereditary. My son is in a trauma center where I just attended family week. Amazing facility, educated us at the same time seeing my son face these demons and learning to conquer life. I found him 1/2 dead in his room in my home, isn’t that rock bottom? It doesn’t matter if you allow them to be in your home or on the streets, OD-ing can and will occur any time any place, I’d rather my addict son be home where there is a chance of saving him then dying on street where no one cares. I pray and cry for all of them and all of us that become addicted to the addict.

  14. Marlene November 24, 2017 at 1:00 pm - Reply

    I have a daughter who has been addicted to heroin for years. It has been an emotional and financial battle for our family. I’ve also ended up taking custody of my grandson who was withdrawing from heroin. On the other hand, I have grown tired of people calling it a disease. A disease is cancer, leukemia, and other diseases you are born with or have sometime in your life without CHOOSING to have it. Heroin was a choice, not a disease.

    Is this a serious drug addiction? Absolutely! Is this an addiction many people are battling? Unfortunately, yes. But to name it a disease is an insult. Rehabs and medical facilities are making a lot of money off of this and it’s absolutely disgusting. Why? Because at the end of the day, people who are addicted to heroin CHOOSE to go back to it. They feel as if they can’t live life without it. It’s all mentality. If they really want to stop, they can. It’s hard work but, anything is possible.

    This is an epidemic. After speaking with my daughter, she tells me it makes you feel good and forget about your problems and doesn’t want to give up that feeling. Now I don’t know if that’s everyone’s reason for doing it but, I’m sure many feel that way. Again, that’s a choice. My grandson didn’t CHOOSE to be born addicted and have withdrawals. But he got through it. They can too.

  15. Maree Dee November 26, 2017 at 11:07 am - Reply

    I couldn’t agree more, especially if it is your child. I do believe we need to seek support so we know when we are enabling or helping but we have to use our instinct to what is best. I have not dealt with a child with addiction problems but I have with mental illness. I know what it is like to want your child to want help when they refuse. and try to shut you out. Letting them hit rock bottom is just absurd. We had many say this was the best plan of action which makes no sense they can’t rationally choose what is best when their minds aren’t working correctly. Great post! Thank you i am sharing it.

  16. Brian November 26, 2017 at 12:45 pm - Reply

    Hi. Tanks so much for this story. My eyes are filled with tears for you all. I am an addict. I have been struggling for the last 7 years of heavy hard drug usage. Although I have been to a couple of treatment centers, and got help I needed, I still battle each day. I am presently clean again for a mere 23 days, and the disease of addiction calls for me each and every minute of the day. It is pure hell ! My family has turned me away, and I don’t blame them. I have lost everything and everyone who was dear to me. That might seem like “rock bottom” and it has felt like it, yet, the disease still is strong and wants me dead, but I have not given up yet. The amount of times I used so much trying to die are uncountable. I go to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and AA meetings as often as I can find the courage and strength to do so. There is a lot of “family love” from the groups and I find those groups like a dose of get well medicine, however, I feel the some of the other members have given up on me as they see me come and go. My desire to stay clean is strong in me. That is why I continue on as well as I possible can with my recovery. Your article has caused my guilt and shame to explode in my head. The pain and suffering I have caused in those that loved me is unbearable.Not blaming you at all for my feelings. I am hoping my sharing will help me and all of you. I look each and every day online to find and read positive outcomes for others as that is an enormous help. I salute all of you for doing your best to love and care for your children stuck in one of the most horrendous diseases out there. Please, PLEASE do not ever give up on those you love for they are not at fault. I am 100% sure they didn’t wake up this morning saying “I am so happy to be an addict and putting myself, my health my mind and my family through hell”.So thank you Katie for this story. Although I am hurting like someone just shot me, I am grateful that you have given me a positive outlook that people do care, even if I don’t see it.

  17. Gidget November 26, 2017 at 5:06 pm - Reply

    i say that is ur thoughts, my thoughts are that it’s not a disease, they did it to themselves, i’ve lived with his choice for 20 years and yes he has choose drugs over his family. i’ve tried to no end to fix his problem, i have learned the only problems i need to be worrying about are mine, i can’t fix him, he has to do it. i have prayed so many times they he would wake up and see what he’s doing to himself, he’s now 60 years old and has heart problems and his liver won’t function right, now he doesn’t take the drugs because he knows it’s get high and die or stay sober and live for a couple more years. people that take drugs r very selfish and have no mind control at all. my husband only stopped doing the drugs cause he knew he’d die, he wouldn’t do it for the love of his family, we meant nothing over his drugs, to be honest if he could do his drugs now and not die he would. please don’t live in lala land thinking we can save them or that we haven’t done enough, i’ve wasted my life trying to help him, trying to keep him from killing himself and do u think he cares, hell no. these r just my thoughts, i’m not saying u have to agree and u probably won’t, u’ll probably think i’m a mean person for my post, but try walking in my shoes before u judge.

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