I am tired. I am tired of beautiful people dying. I am tired of incredible families being destroyed. I am tired of so many pointing fingers, yet not looking at ourselves and our own place in it.
We need to stop placing FULL BLAME on those who struggle with addiction for slips in their sobriety.
I am sick of hearing “They just didn’t want it bad enough”. Or, “they just weren’t ready to hear the message”. Or, “I guess they didn’t hit rock bottom”.
Maybe they only went to treatment for 7-10 days because that’s all insurance allowed.
Maybe after discharge they felt great, yet their family is still very sick and uneducated about the disease and can be toxic to their recovery.
Maybe they went to sober living, but it wasn’t structured or monitored, or was unsafe.
Maybe they got out of jail and they don’t have a place to live, or are trying to get a job but have something on their record and its making it difficult to find one.
Maybe its pretty scary to fill out an application for a job, knowing the questions they may face with the lack of job history. I mean think about it…How many stay a home moms have felt this?
Maybe they are going to support group meetings, yet keep hearing of those they love in those meetings that have died. They live with SUCH TRAUMA! How can anyone “get over” grief like that? Especially if you are new to sobriety? I still cry about my best friend that died in a car accident when I was 20. It hurts. And DEEP.
Yet, as a society, we say “They didn’t want it bad enough”. “Get a job”. “Time go grow up”. PLEASE STOP. JUST STOP. Your judgement and words are NOT helping and is not a solution.
Maybe they live in a remote area where services are not readily available.
Maybe they are in drug court, yet the requirements make it almost impossible to succeed.
Maybe they don’t have a license, or a car or the city they live in has really crappy public transportation.
Maybe they struggle with mental health as well, yet that hasn’t been addressed.
Maybe the family has stopped helping financially or do not have the funds to assist and they do not have the money to move into a safe sober environment.
Maybe they reached out to that “recovery advocate” on social media if they were struggling emotionally, and NO ONE REPLIED.
Maybe they went to the ER for help, yet were met with such stigma, that they never went back.
Maybe families are being wiped out financially because insurance deductibles are $5-10K. I mean, who can really afford that?? So now what?? Is the person with a substance use disorder supposed to just “suck it up”, “control themselves”?? Or try to find free help, yet they may not qualify as they have health insurance.
Maybe they called the 800 number on the back of their insurance card and ding dong Susan gave them 3 places to call. One has a disconnected phone number, one is a psychiatric hospital, and another is full.
Maybe they are on a medicated assisted medication or mental health meds, yet they are in drug court and it may not be ALLOWED.
Maybe 12 step, which is what the majority of treatment centers focus on, is not the recovery path for them.
Maybe that young girl that is fresh out of treatment has been so abused, mentally and physically, that its not about the DRUGS. Its about her inside. And that cannot be “fixed” in 14-21 days.
Maybe that young man fresh out of treatment is so incredibly depressed and broken, but is not comfortable to say something as he “is a man” and is supposed to “be the strong one” so he stays silent and begins to isolate.
The whole industry needs an entire overhaul, we need to stop placing blame on everyone. We have to do something different. We have to be creative, proactive and take chances on new ideas, instead of REACTING when crisis presents itself.
We need to start making treatment VALUE based, instead of insurance reimbursement based.
We need to include the family in the recovery process from DAY ONE.
We need to focus not just on their therapeutic recovery, but on their economic recovery as well when they are in early sobriety.
We are losing families, children in the foster system, grandparents raising grandchildren.
I’m tired of hearing things like ‘when will they learn” or “if they really want to get clean, they can do it anywhere”. Not everyone can. There are many variables to someone’s recovery and what may work right for one person, may not work for another.
I see families judging other families on how they handled a situation. I see those with alcohol addiction judging those with an addiction to other substances.
We are ALL a part of this broken process. Yet, we can ALL become a part of fixing it.
I don’t have all the answers. I just know we need to come together IN UNITY to take an honest look at what someone is TRULY struggling with. Take the time to find out what can help them on an INDIVIDUAL basis, create and assist with the tools they need to be successful and stop playing the blame game.
Recover. Together.
Katie Donovan, Family and Life Coach, Family Program Consultant
katie@amothersaddictionjourney.com
Kate, this is probably this best point you have ever made!!!
This is the hardest to handle,the most painful,restless,deadly part of the disease.
In it to win it…fighting for my daughter too!
XO
In it to win it is right!!
You left out three very important items—
Maybe no one educated them on Paws, what it is, how to treat it.
Maybe most treatment has less than a 10% success rate.
Maybe they did not get individual therapy to change the addictive behavior.
And probably many more!! The system is so broken, I feel so often they are set up for failure. Thank you for reading 🙂
What is PAWS?
Hi Diane, PAWS stands for Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, or sometimes called Protracted Withdrawal Syndrome. Put simply it is a range of symptoms including but not limited to, insomnia, anxiety, fatigue depression etc. These symptoms can start anywhere from 1-2 weeks after the initial acute withdrawal, and last months to years after that. It is a huge roadblock to lasting recovery. I pulled the paragraph below from an article in Psychology Today to help put some light on the subject.
“Even when people have a genuine desire to stay clean, post-acute withdrawal is a driving factor in many relapses. This notwithstanding, PAW is often under-recognized and its impacts under-appreciated. Both addicts and their significant others are commonly encouraged to believe that after the drugs are gone, life will begin to improve rapidly. When reality fails to fulfill this unrealistic expectation, the disappointment and upset can be profound.“
Hope this helps!
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome
Thank you Katie, well written,
The stigma recovered addicts have, the judgement they getting while tiring to stay cleaned is felt.
Unity and education is so important!
The family unit must be educated too and is also in recovery!
Thank you for all the work you do!!!
Love you girl!
Just a concerned citizen
Katie, thank you. I too believe the cause is not solely from the addict/alcoholic lighting the latch or twisting the bottle cap. We simply need a longer more extensive, but fun recovery program in place. And we must stop dumping 35-45-55-65 year old alcoholics and drug addicts into group therapy discussion circles with their peers in treatment that are 30-40 years younger.
Obviously I have much more to add, but let’s pick this up later.
Also I am starting a charity donation drive using a few different bracelets for sale with the proceeds going to scholarship treatment programs. Which treatment programs do you like the best?
OMG! What a great article! It is so easy for others to judge. But they do not know the complexity of the problem. For drug addicts, it is not about “partying”. Its about surviving / not being sick!
I am raising 4 grandchildren right now. I have one daughter in recovery and one that is still struggling. I want to tell her what to do, but she doesn’t want to hear. I know “guilting” her will not solve anything. It just makes her withdraw more. So when I see her, our communication is limited. I don’t trust myself to say anything.
Mental illness is such a big factor and drugs just magnify it.
I want so much to be a part of the solution. I used to be ashamed and hid my children’s addition struggle as it evolved over the years. I don’t anymore.
Thank you Katie! I’m going to share this with my PAL group, (Parents of Addicted Loved Ones).
If anyone hasn’t heard of them, try to find a meeting and attend. You can also find them on Facebook.
We are trying to get more long term treatment centers here in Indiana, it’s an uphill battle but it can be done!
Id love to share this Katie! Id really like to be able to change the perceptions of those who dont understand. I live with my sons addictions everyday and sometimes its real tough to know which direction to seek help or set boundaries, I know Ill never give up. Thanks souch for your incredible insight. Xo
Share away! I’m so glad you connected with it.
I am a recovering addict. I committed several crimes fueled by my addiction to prescribed pain medication and undiagnosed mental health issues. On my knees begging the medical community for help, I was turned away because of my insurance. They all had beds open until I told them I had state insurance. The judge said the “best” he could offer me was the substance abuse program in our state prison. Laughable, really, making collages does not a program make. At 45 I entered prison, my youngest son’s 11th birthday. I walked out 5 1/2 yrs later with more trauma issues than I walked in with. I see my fellow sisters struggle every day and it’s disheartening. I am fortunate to have a tenacity that will not accept my failure. Being released homeless, no release plans, PO’s that retraumatize, collateral consequences are barriers that many of us experience. Lack of inclusion in the community, shame, guilt, the struggle is real, it is daily. Thank you for putting this out there!!
Love this post.
Why cant more people think this way?
And HIPPA?
HIPPA prevented me from helping my daughter. And now that shes dead i can see all her records. Makes a lot of sense Right? Thank you for writing this great article.
WOW!! As an addict In recovery you hit the nail on the head and brought tears to my eyes. I wish everyone could read your this!
#ENDTHESTIGMA #WEDORECOVERY #SOBERANDPROUD
ThNk you!!!
My daughter is my somebody’s someone…
Thank you thank you thank you
PAWS- Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome
This was so beautifully written. You covered so many very real obstacles to recovery that I experienced personally. I could relate on so many levels. I am fortunate to have recovered, but not without a crazy amount of stumbles and feel lucky more than anything that I am still here, living and breathing. We do need an overhaul!
I am very saddened that so little is written about or shared about Alcoholics Anonymous. Myself and the many, many people I know find sobriety, recovery and joy in the program. I’ve been sober for 34 years thanks to AA.
Hi J! This article is only pointing out challenges and gaps in the system itself. It has nothing to do with support groups. Congrats on your incredible recovery!
THANK YOU FOR sharing all of this! So amazing, heartbreaking, powerful and humbling. As a daughter of a dead dad and stepmom to drugs/ alcohol, a sister to 2 addicted brothers, ….a medical professional- 10 years in the ER and now deciding how to continue on as a FNP… I have seen the journeys, living in the journey and question the hands behind the RX writers. The further I have looked- I see addiction as a coping mechanism. It’s a disease but underneath is unhealed emotional trauma. Britany mentions her life was “perfect”…. perhaps the “perfect” life before drugs feels unsustainable? I’ve found I cannot put a single expectation on my brother bc he immediately regresses into a state of withdrawal and trying to be “safe”. Emotionally… he is still 7 or 8 years old… even though he is 37 now. Unhealed emotional trauma. And it will continue to get triggered in one form or another. Unable to stay sober because they FEEL like they can’t be perfect (because NOBODY is) but allowing them to become themselves- before perfection was an expectation they couldn’t reach….? This is something I’m working through. Our society has so many demands now and unrealistic expectations…. It’s SO HARD. Thank you all for being amazing. I want to make this world better for my precious children- the heartache is too much to bear sometimes. Such strong warriors out there. I personally refuse to give up on my addict! The world has been turning their backs and it’s not working!!!
Powerful and real . This is the first I have read about PAWS. Thank you for this
That’s interesting that you could supplement the traditional methods of treating addiction with medication to make it easier. I have heard that breaking an addiction is really hard to do, so I could see how having as much help as possible with that would be good. I should recommend that my buddy tires that out since I think that he might have an issue with addiction.