Letting Go….what it REALLY is, and What it REALLY isn’t

Letting go….you may have heard this phrase as you continue on your journey with your loved one.  What does it really even mean??

In general, I think as parents, we feel the need to FIX our children and if they don’t have us, they will die.  I mean, lets face it…that’s where our minds go.  There is NO IN BETWEEN.

I felt this way for such a long time.  I felt the need to control every aspect of my daughter’s life, because well, “Hey, I know better”…right?!

If she would just listen to me, everything would be ok.

When she didn’t follow my advice, I started to become lost.  Depressed.  Angry.  Sad.  Frustrated.   I felt like a failure because she wasn’t succeeding at the rate I “expected” her to.  What kind of a mother was I???

But maybe she wasn’t ready.  Maybe I was forcing suggestions  and messages on her that she wasn’t ready to hear.

Just like when people told me in the beginning….get help, get support, get educated, don’t do “this, or that”.  I was angry…I thought to myself “you don’t know my daughter, I know what is best!”

I wasn’t ready to hear the message.

Was it was my ego in the beginning that said I got this and no one can help my child best but ME??  Or in denial of how bad things really were?

People also told me I had to “let her go”, don’t speak to her, don’t talk to her until she can prove herself, tell her when she has a year clean THAT is when you will allow her to visit.  To cut her off completely emotionally, mentally and physically. To not have any communication with her until she “gets her sh*t together”.

Ok…I don’t know about you, but that did NOT feel normal to me.  It’s not NATURAL as parents to do that!!  I felt in my heart that it was very archaic advice.  How do you not speak to your child when they are sick? How do you cut off emotions?

Letting go is not being involved in the chaos that can come with addiction.  Letting go is not being pulled into toxic situations.  Letting go is not trying to FIX every single situation that comes along on a daily basis.

It means AT THIS MOMENT, I can choose how I am going to react to a certain situation.  I can either choose to become engaged, or I can choose to say “I love you, I’m sorry this is happening.  What do you think you can do?”

When I began the baby steps of letting go of not feeling the need to fix everything, was when my own journey began of strength and healing.  It was REALLY hard at first, because I felt if I wasn’t DOING something to fix her, that I wasn’t being a good mother.  It was pretty hard, as I felt like I was giving up, or abandoning her.

But you know what started to happen?  I started gaining my own strength and knowledge, so that when she WAS ready for help, I was in the right frame of mind to help her in a healthy way.  My life, that felt like it was crumbling prior, started to have bits and pieces of life again.

Letting go is NOT removing the connection with your loved one.  You can stay close with love, yet do it a way that is healthy for you both.

Try to remember…When we are struggling with something ourselves, the worst feeling is when we are ignored, not validated or heard.

Everyone just wants to be loved.

So why do some professionals and others tell us when it comes to this disease, that we should walk away and not have anything to do with our loved ones?

When all they really want or need is to be loved.

Hugs to all of you,

Katie

For coaching, consulting or speaking, please send me a message at katie@amothersaddictionjourney.com