I did everything with it and nothing without it. It was my best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate. When I found heroin, I was complete. Nothing else mattered.
I didn’t have a care in the world…
Until I was sweating and shaking, until I couldn’t get out of bed without it, until it caused me to abandon my family and friends. Until I disrespected my body and soul, until i realized I hadn’t showered in two weeks…
Until I didn’t know who Brittany was anymore.
I thought it was “cool” that my dealer cleaned out a room in the trap house for me to sleep in…to sleep on a filthy mattress, in a room with roaches, in a house with broken windows and no electricity. It was convenient for me…the drugs were close and that was “cool”.
Crazy as this may seem, none of it scared me.
After a year of shoving a needle in my arm 10 or more times a day, I was completely broken…mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I called my mom; I wanted help. She made every effort to save me, as always, and got me into a facility out in California.
But before I went, I had to use “one last time”. I got completely wrecked and started driving to the house. I hadn’t even made it a mile from my dealer’s house when I nodded out at the wheel and crashed my car. It was totaled. The car that my mom’s amazing friend Jen had given me, with the promise I would go to college…
I couldn’t even shower let alone go to college.
I walked down the road, in the pouring rain in east Detroit. As I’m walking back to my car, I hear “hey snow bunny”. I knew what was going to happen…I was completely terrified and tried to take off running.
Two men grabbed me by my hair, drug me into a field and beat the hell out of me. I could taste the blood in my mouth and felt it coming down from my nose. I remember every punch, kick, and every word that was said that day.
I was raped.
Now any “normal” person after that incident would probably think rationally. Like maybe I shouldn’t be in east Detroit alone, or I should get counseling, or something to not put yourself in that situation again.
All I thought was … I need to get high. Now.
And I was off.