Losing Control

I am sooo type A. I like to have things planned out, organized, t’s crossed and I’s dotted. I’m a “by the rules” kinda girl. Going outside of the rules, made me very nervous and extremely uncomfortable. At a previous job years ago, I traveled internationally quite often. I made sure that the grocery shopping was done, outfits planned for my youngest, laundry done and a schedule clearly laid out for my husband, prior to the trip….

 

Tuesday, May 1

7am: wake up, make sure Brittany got up on her own and has left for school

745am: take Brooke to the bus

3pm: Pick up from the bus

5pm: Dance class. Make sure you don’t leave, she likes to turn around and see that you’re watching.

545pm: Rush and pick up Brittany from work

6pm: dinner….there’s chicken, broccoli and potatoes

7pm: Make sure Brittany is doing homework and Brooke is taking a bath

 

I know…WAY over the top. And truly not necessary. My husband usually took one look at it, rolled his eyes, laughed and tossed it right in the garbage. “Katie, we got this honey. Go off to Hong Kong, don’t worry about us and be safe”.

I was the level headed one…the one people came to when they needed guidance and advice. I always wanted to make sure my family was safe and taken care of. So when my daughter needed help, I sprang into action. I can help her…I can fix this.

After she her car accident and we discovered she was taking Xanax, we immediately put her into therapy. We thought “oh it must be experimenting”, “she doesn’t have a problem”…some therapy visits and grounding from mom and dad and all will be ok. She spent 3 days in a psychiatric hospital. She was diagnosed with all sorts of things…bipolar, depression, anxiety. The doctors didn’t feel it was a substance abuse problem. They put her on medication and sent her on her way.

At that time, she was dating a boy…he seemed like a good kid, played hockey, good parents. Brittany was with him every day and went to every single hockey game he played in. Little did I know that half of his hockey team were addicted to prescription opioids. She started taking the pills along with them…completely unaware of how addicting they could be. As parents, WE had NO idea how addicting they could be!! I didn’t know the signs. AT ALL. I had no idea she was taking these pills. What I saw was her turning into a different person completely. Very short tempered, very rebellious and by the time she was to graduate high school, her grades and attendance had dropped significantly. We were so very scared, angry and tried to do everything we could to stop her attitude and mindset. Again, NO clue she was using pills. At this time, she was “in love” and wanted nothing to do with us. Our house turned into a circus of screaming matches. Shortly after she graduated high school, she moved out and into an apartment with this boy. She didn’t like our rules at home anymore and “I’m 18 now, you cant control me”. Within a few months after, half of that hockey team then turned to heroin. It was cheaper and much easier to get. And now, my daughter… my smart, beautiful Brittany, was now addicted to heroin. HEROIN! A word that I associated with being dirty, disgusting and complete fear of.   I felt completely powerless. How do I fix this??!!

 

 

2016-03-21T13:36:01+00:00

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10 Comments

  1. Liz March 29, 2016 at 9:10 am - Reply

    Oh my God Katie.. This describes my introduction to my daughter’s addiction to a TEE. I was the exact type of Mom you were and my beautiful daughter, the boyfriend, starting with pills, the change in my daughter… all the same. I was clueless and didn’t understand.

    • Katie March 31, 2016 at 10:47 am - Reply

      Liz, we should connect. How is your daughter doing now? Praying for your family and strength to all.

      • eyaeger61 April 13, 2016 at 9:05 am - Reply

        Yes, we should connect.. I would love it. I don’t even know where to begin. My daughter has been to prison at age 23. My daughter’s drug of choice is heroin. She is currently home with us and was clean for two years. She recently relapsed for two weeks, but is working on stopping again. IDK.. it is so hard on me. I don’t know what to do sometimes. How can I reach you?

        • Katie April 13, 2016 at 9:23 am - Reply

          I will email you now 🙂 If it doesn’t come thru, please feel free to email me at katiedonovan01@gmail.com. Always here to talk xo

          • eyaeger61Liz April 13, 2016 at 11:44 am

            Thank you for your kindness. I’ll will check my email and I have yours saved.

  2. cate March 29, 2016 at 6:10 pm - Reply

    Is Brittany on MAT or has she ever been? I guess it goes without saying that my daughter is yours and everyone else’s and I dread every day. I absolutely cannot remember a day that I was not in fear for the past 11 years. The nightmare actually started 22 years ago when she was 13, but the past 9 years are the opiate years. Hell on Earth. Grief beyond words.

    • Katie March 31, 2016 at 10:38 am - Reply

      Cate, I can feel your pain in your words. Its so true…its a nightmare that just doesn’t seem to stop. Brittany is currently not on any form of MAT. She had tried suboxone a few years ago, but felt she was just replacing one addiction for another. Just her personal feelings, as everyone has a different experience and what doesn’t work for one, may be a saving grace for another. She was also on vivitrol, but she ended up overdosing, as she tried to break thru the seal. At that time, she just wasn’t ready, so I don’t think really any form of MAT would have helped until she was truly ready to dedicate herself to recovery. Please feel free to email me at any time…would love to connect. katiedonovan01@gmail.com xoxo

      • Mandy Connaway April 30, 2016 at 10:33 am - Reply

        My 28 year old brother is a heroin addict. He recently was moved from rehab after only 30 days and put in sober living. He recently relapsed and they kicked him out saying he wasn’t ready and that he needs more intense therapy. What heroin addict is ready after only 30 days of therapy? My mom begged them to keep him for 90 but the doctor said he was ready. These places seem to set these kids up for failure. They were arguing with insurance over the vivatrol shot so he hadn’t had his second one yet. And he too tried to break the seal in the beginning with it. I’m just wondering if you have any advice on good rehabs. My dad flew out to southern California to find him since the sober living kicked him out. They just throw these kids on the streets and my brother too looks like a jcrew model and not an addict. I hate heroin so much I wish there was more I could do for him. We sent him far away so he could have a fresh start but it seems they just find new drug friends in these places and they all relapse together.

  3. Kristy December 8, 2016 at 8:23 pm - Reply

    I’ve been non stop reading your blog and I need to connect with you, I have some questions.. please tell me which email is best to reach you. I’ve seen a couple of different ones so far. Or you can email me first. Thank you.

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