Desperate to Get High-And Desperate For Peace, by Brittany

Desperate to Get High-And Desperate For Peace, by BrittanyI was always so desperate in my addiction. Desperate for a fix, desperate to not be sick, desperate to not feel the pain anymore. I dug a hole so deep that I never thought I could climb out of. My desperation and low self-worth caused me to do things I never imagined I would be capable of.

I went from being that friend that you could call for anything, the listener, the one you could always count on..to the friend that would steal everything you had and then help you look for it. I was the beautiful, smart and funny girl that my 7 year old sister looked up to, until I was stealing from her piggy bank. I was the rock that held the family together until I was in the coat room going through their purses on holidays. And when I finally ran out of options, I still didn’t stop. If you nodded out from a bad batch of heroin, I was running through your pockets.

It was to a point that I would inject water; I would try to mentally trick myself into thinking I got high. The drugs hadn’t killed me…so I used to pray to God to have me get hit by a car or diagnosed with cancer so I could escape this insanity.

I was so broken.

For me, it is all about perspective. When I finally was desperate enough, I learned I needed to retrain my brain.

I was so tired.

I needed to realize that the desperation I felt could be molded into something positive. I learned to take that gut wrenching, uneasy feeling and use that to my advantage. I could get high and take the “easy way out”. But realistically, getting high makes me feel okay for 30 seconds and it’s not easy; It’s EXHAUSTING.

I was DESPERATE for peace and happiness. I didn’t want to exist anymore, I wanted to LIVE.

I’m not proud of the things I did, but I also can’t lie and say that I regret everything either. If it wasn’t for the trials and tribulations that I went through, I might not be able to share this today.

I wouldn’t be sitting here, sobbing, being so grateful for another chance.

I wouldn’t be able to help another alcoholic and addict fight this disease. I wouldn’t be able to let parents and loved ones know that this IS a disease and we need help. Not everyone is going to be ready when you want them to be, but I promise you they aren’t enjoying themselves.

We didn’t grow up wanting to destroy ourselves and everyone around us.

To everyone out there fighting this disease…I’m so very proud of you. You are, hands down, an incredible warrior.

 

2017-03-11T18:17:12+00:00

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29 Comments

  1. Janie May 31, 2016 at 11:24 am - Reply

    This is beautiful Brittany ❤️

    • AnnieAnnabelle May 31, 2016 at 5:24 pm - Reply

      Thank you so much!!! Pray you continue in your path and achieve all your dreams.

    • TOM CLARK June 1, 2016 at 12:13 am - Reply

      CONGRATULATIONS I HAVE 28yrs NEEDLE CLEAN KNOW ONE THING IN YOUR RECOVERY ,”YOU ARE NOT ALONE ” GOD BLESS AND STAY STRONG !!!!

    • Andrea June 1, 2016 at 7:08 am - Reply

      A wonderful read, to wake up too. Keep up the good work, Brittany.

  2. Mindi May 31, 2016 at 1:23 pm - Reply

    Brittany, I appreciate your openness and sharing your testimony. You are an inspiration that change is possible. Congratulations on your sobriety!! My 25 y/o son is in recovery in Florida and has 31 days sober today. With God, all things are possible!! God bless you.

  3. char May 31, 2016 at 1:51 pm - Reply

    Dear Brittany,
    Right now as I am writing this to you, my 21 hr old daughter is here at my place sleeping a lot and is very very sick from her addiction to heroin. Her 11 month old daughte, my grandaughter is in Foster care and there is a court hearing coming up in two weeks regarding permanency for my granddaughter to be adopted.
    My daughter (Ellen) is really struggling , I am trying to get her into treatment and alll she wants right now is to get soboxon or heroin. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I am not going to adopt my granddaughter due to the fact that I wasn’t happy about the pregnancy in the 1st place. The father of my granddaughter and her Mother are very much still an item. He (Kenny) is an addict himself and has been car prowling, shoplifting you name it. He was finally arrested over the weekend and is in jail for a felony warrant. Please tell me what you think I should do?? I’m all done helping her and enabling her. If she doesn’t want help, I don’t know what is going to happen.
    I really enjoyed your story and and so very happy for you.
    Thanks, Char

    • Jenea Forsman June 2, 2016 at 4:42 pm - Reply

      Hi Char, I am a 30 yr old female that currently has 21 weeks clean..after 4 years of clean time. First, I want to tell you that you are doing the RIGHT thing for your daughter right now. Tell her (again,Im sure) that she can either accept the offer of treatment this time, or she is no longer welcome in your home. Not even to sleep or to eat a meal. I know it sounds so harsh and I know its easier said than done. Be there with her every step of the way on her journey through recovery, and always tell her how much you love her. I have 3 boys and a husband, those are the steps that my husband and parents took with me and it finally sunk in that I was going to be completely alone if I didn’t choose to get clean. Prayers for you and your daughter, hopefully things turn around for you both. God Bless!

    • mother and an ex heroin user June 7, 2016 at 5:08 pm - Reply

      if you can find it in your heart to adopt that little girl with pure hope in your heart maybe seeing her face and you doing that will be the miracle it takes for your daughter to get clean. if she is adopted out i strongly believe your daughter will continue to spiral down and who knows what will happen to that baby… Horrible things happen in Foster Care… PRAY ABOUT IT…if you pray…if you dont, consider starting… God will take control of the situation but you have to GIVE IT TO HIM first…good luck to you and your family…you are a FAMILY…

  4. Lorie Fishell May 31, 2016 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    Very nice .. Keep it up 😀

  5. Trisha May 31, 2016 at 4:16 pm - Reply

    Beautifully said.

  6. Tammy May 31, 2016 at 4:21 pm - Reply

    Very beautiful. <3 I would so like my daughter to see this. Thank you

  7. GG May 31, 2016 at 4:56 pm - Reply

    I’m going to print this and send to my son in prison.

  8. CINDY MARTIN May 31, 2016 at 5:13 pm - Reply

    I
    AM SO PROUD OF YOU, MY AS IS IN TREATMENT AND SO GOOD NOW!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING <3

  9. Dana May 31, 2016 at 5:45 pm - Reply

    So damn Proud of you

  10. casey May 31, 2016 at 6:08 pm - Reply

    Wow Brittany, this is great. It really moved me! I’m going to print it and bring to my son. We are visiting him in treatment in Florida. Almost at the 2 month point.

  11. Kristine Braunstein May 31, 2016 at 6:16 pm - Reply

    I am printing this out & leaving it on my daughter’s bed. She is in IOP currently…not sure she wants to be.
    Thank you for your courage to write about it.

  12. Donna Davis May 31, 2016 at 6:36 pm - Reply

    My daughter’s name was Brittany. I lost her to the disease of addiction on Feb. 12, 2016. I so wish I could have done something, said something…so that she would get help. I did the tough love…I did the loving to death…I tried everything. She was coming home from Ohio to go to a rehab facility I had been trying to get her to go to for over 2 years. She did the application, the phone interview and they were to call her at 9 on Friday, Feb. 12th with an answer if she was accepted or denied. I tried to contact her after 9 a.m. to see what they said but never got an answer. I got that call I was always so afraid of getting on Feb. 13 saying she had died. I got the letter from the rehab facility a few days later addressed to her that sorry, but she was denied acceptance. I have so many regrets..what could I have done to help her that I didn’t do. What did I do to make her become a drug addict…so many questions. I don’t want to live without her…I don’t know how…she was my life. I am going to a grief counselor tomorrow to see if she can help. I miss her so badly words just can’t express how I am without her…lost even doesn’t describe it.

  13. Tammy May 31, 2016 at 7:27 pm - Reply

    Thank you Brittany

  14. Jane Mack May 31, 2016 at 7:40 pm - Reply

    Thank you Brittany……It helps me to understand my son, Jim Wall,…and what he went through….I really didn’t understand…..I think this will help others…praying it does and that it makes someone make better choices….

  15. Kim muth May 31, 2016 at 7:53 pm - Reply

    It gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.

  16. Rhonda May 31, 2016 at 8:49 pm - Reply

    Absolutely brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful!!!

  17. Beverly May 31, 2016 at 10:08 pm - Reply

    Awesome story keep sharing

  18. Linda Bryant May 31, 2016 at 11:03 pm - Reply

    Love it! Happy for you. I pray God continues to bless you.

  19. Tim June 1, 2016 at 12:37 am - Reply

    I must say that it was very brave of you to open up like that and share your story. Thank you for that, it gives hope and strength for the ones reading it who haven’t had the courage or strength yet. I’m very proud of you! I’m an addict to who has been through the fight, but I chose to stay clean today. I’m in the very early stages of my recovery, but I have the will and desire to stop using and be alive again as you might say. Kepp up the good work!

  20. Elaine June 2, 2016 at 1:37 am - Reply

    Thank you for sharing. Mom of 2 sons with this disease. 1 is 33 now in the county jail until? 1 is 28 now in NC prison system till August… I pray one day they will get past this disease

  21. Julie Colella June 2, 2016 at 7:26 am - Reply

    Incredibly honest. Beautiful. Xo

  22. Maggie Parris June 2, 2016 at 6:23 pm - Reply

    Words cannot express how much hope each one of your posts give me for my daughter. I truly look forward to reading every one! I look and hope for it every day so THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!

  23. Alicia Regan June 19, 2016 at 10:55 am - Reply

    I love to hear the reality of addiction..I am clean off heroin just over 3 years and thanx to the constant and sometimes silent support from ALL my friends and family,I knew I could get treated for this disease. They all wanted to help me and get me help and sure a few times I did it for them…..ending up right back where I left off. It wasn’t until I was hurting so bad and was so sick that I couldn’t even keep myself straight by using because it became a mental addiction as well. I realized than that I needed to get treatment not only detox I needed mental health treatment as well. I always thought that being an addict was horrible now I am going to be labeled “dual diagnosis” meaning yes I was even more messed up than I thought…..thank God for my acceptance of that because today my life is beautiful ,yes I have struggles but,doesn’t everyone….today I live in the day and listen to what my doctors suggest and don’t worry about “labels”call me what you want,but those who know and love me call me ALICIA…..thank you for your strength and honesty

  24. Herb October 13, 2016 at 10:26 am - Reply

    Love you so much Brittany… and I am so proud of you. I am coming up on 6 months clean on November 1st and I am so grateful for having met you in Recovery and I wish nothing but the best for you!! ~ Love Always, Herbie ~

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