I was always so desperate in my addiction. Desperate for a fix, desperate to not be sick, desperate to not feel the pain anymore. I dug a hole so deep that I never thought I could climb out of. My desperation and low self-worth caused me to do things I never imagined I would be capable of.
I went from being that friend that you could call for anything, the listener, the one you could always count on..to the friend that would steal everything you had and then help you look for it. I was the beautiful, smart and funny girl that my 7 year old sister looked up to, until I was stealing from her piggy bank. I was the rock that held the family together until I was in the coat room going through their purses on holidays. And when I finally ran out of options, I still didn’t stop. If you nodded out from a bad batch of heroin, I was running through your pockets.
It was to a point that I would inject water; I would try to mentally trick myself into thinking I got high. The drugs hadn’t killed me…so I used to pray to God to have me get hit by a car or diagnosed with cancer so I could escape this insanity.
I was so broken.
For me, it is all about perspective. When I finally was desperate enough, I learned I needed to retrain my brain.
I was so tired.
I needed to realize that the desperation I felt could be molded into something positive. I learned to take that gut wrenching, uneasy feeling and use that to my advantage. I could get high and take the “easy way out”. But realistically, getting high makes me feel okay for 30 seconds and it’s not easy; It’s EXHAUSTING.
I was DESPERATE for peace and happiness. I didn’t want to exist anymore, I wanted to LIVE.
I’m not proud of the things I did, but I also can’t lie and say that I regret everything either. If it wasn’t for the trials and tribulations that I went through, I might not be able to share this today.
I wouldn’t be sitting here, sobbing, being so grateful for another chance.
I wouldn’t be able to help another alcoholic and addict fight this disease. I wouldn’t be able to let parents and loved ones know that this IS a disease and we need help. Not everyone is going to be ready when you want them to be, but I promise you they aren’t enjoying themselves.
We didn’t grow up wanting to destroy ourselves and everyone around us.
To everyone out there fighting this disease…I’m so very proud of you. You are, hands down, an incredible warrior.